BREAKING NEWS – Salt Lake City, Utah – The Mormon church made history and injected a bit of diversity into a previously all-white top leadership panel on Saturday by selecting the first-ever Latin-American apostle and the first-ever apostle of Asian ancestry. The selections of Ulisses Soares of Brazil and Gerrit W. Gong, a Chinese-American, were announced during a twice-annual conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City. According to a leaked memo from the church, the reason why the Mormons appointed a Hispanic and Asian is for business purposes only. “Because we own Marriot’s hotels, we need to expand in South America and Asia,” the memo began. “But we must continue to avoid appointing Native Americans, because they are also very business minded, and it will be just a matter of time before they insist that we return all the land we stole from them in Utah in the 1800s. We also should appoint some blacks in the near future, because we’ll need to hire the most qualified people, just in case we go through with our plans to purchase an NBA team.”
