BREAKING NEWS – Springfield, Illinois – Democratic lawmakers in Illinois have drawn up a piece of legislation that would give extra cash to schools that reallocate funds toward replacing armed security officers with unarmed social workers and behavior therapists. The controversial bill, proposed by Rep. Emanuel “Chris” Welch, D-Westchester, would offer grants to schools that use funds meant for school security and instead spend it on mental health services, including hiring social workers or implementing other practices “designed to promote school safety and healthy environments,” as The Associated Press reported. Welch went on to say, that “if a student shows up with a gun and starts shooting up the place, rather than an armed guard returning fire, a social worker should confront the student, and encourage him to discuss his feelings, privately in a warm setting away from scattered bullet ridden bodies”