BREAKING NEWS – Schwenksville, Pennsylvania – Bill Cosby has hurled out his version of a threat to the general public, during a phone interview from the Pennsylvania State Correctional Institution Phoenix. “If you people don’t rise up and march on the streets demanding my immediate release, I will never perform stand-up comedy again in one of my signature sweaters, and I mean never! And this country will be deprived of the humor that it desperately needs during these trying times.” He often paused to wait for the noise to die down, as several fights were taking place in the background. “I should not be in here,” he continued. “These are not nice people in this facility. They use words that children should never hear. This is not a family friendly environment, and the cells do not have bathroom doors for privacy, which I find very disrespectful. Furthermore, I’m sick and tired of certain inmates referring to me as Dr. Cliff Huxtable, and then requesting for me to get them a complete physical. My biggest fear is, if there are no guards around, that’s exactly what I’ll be forced to do.” Cosby also said that if he is freed in the next 30 days, he’ll donate $100 to the MeToo movement.
