BREAKING NEWS – Cambridge, Massachusetts – A prominent figure at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Joichi Ito, stepped down after the disclosure of his efforts to conceal his financial connections to Jeffrey Epstein, the disgraced financier who killed himself in a Manhattan jail cell while facing federal sex trafficking charges. Ito acknowledged that he had received $1.7 million from Epstein, including $1.2 million for his own outside investment funds. Ito addressed his departure in a brief press conference. “MIT is the most prestigious school in America, if not the world,” he began. “My intellect is something that most people can not relate, so to explain why I took the money from Epstein would be something that lower I.Q.s won’t understand, but I’ll try. There are a lot of numeric complexities regarding Epstein’s treatment of women, and only people who are classified as geniuses in calculus, quantum physics, and advanced sexually gratifying biorhythms, can relate to the all encompassing intricacies of predatorial pomposity and female ferocity as it relates to quasars and super novas. And this is basically why I felt compelled to accept and conceal his donations. Hopefully I didn’t over simplify the cause and effect of my actions.”
