BREAKING NEWS – Salt Lake City, Utah – U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney of Utah says he has tested negative for the coronavirus. He posted on Twitter, “Thankfully I’ve tested negative for COVID-19.” During a video interview, he explained why he wasn’t surprised by the results. “I’m a Mormon, and I live in Utah, and God protects us there. To make my point, New York has about 27,000 confirmed cases of the coronavirus, California has over 2000 cases, and here in Utah we’re under 300. This is empirical that God loves Mormons the most, that’s why he made sure we have the least in all of America.”
“Well that’s not true,” said the interviewer. “Utah is actually in the middle, because there are 26 states with fewer cases, including Nevada where they have gambling, endless alcohol, and legalized prostitution.”
“What!” Romney shouted. “You gotta be kidding! First God allowed blacks to attain the priesthood in our church, and now this? I don’t want to be the one that criticizes the Almighty, but He appears to be sleeping on the job!” He then pounded his fist into his hand as his anger grew. “I’ll tell you what, I will make sure that Utah has the lowest confirmed cases, even if I have to go the other 26 states and personally spread this freakin’ disease myself!”