BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Nat King Cole’s holiday season classic “The Christmas Song”, may be canceled in 2022 due to complaints from several “politically correct” organizations regarding the lyrics for the following reasons:
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” – Can easily be motivation for unreformed arsonists.
“Jack Frost nipping at your nose” – This is possibly an assault, that can start off innocently touching someone’s nose, and turning sexual or even violent.
“And folks dressed up like Eskimos” – This insensitive racist stereotype implies that Eskimos dress warmly in cold weather.
“Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,” – Mistletoe sounds too much like “missile”, and that suggests the United States plans on launching a nuclear attack against another country during the holiday season.
“Help to make the season bright,” – Apparently this excludes people of color.
“And every mother’s child is gonna spy,” – This is clearly a red flag for the CIA, which can cause young kids to be placed in a federal prison and subjected to enhanced interrogations.
“To kids from one to ninety-two,” – Obviously this excludes babies that are not quite one years old, and people that are 93 and above. Just because people in those two age groups don’t have a clue what Christmas is, it’s disrespectful to blatantly ignore them.