BREAKING NEWS – San Francisco, California – A San Francisco-based activist is trying to crowdfund his move out of the Tenderloin neighborhood, which he compares to a “zombie apocalypse” and says has become uninhabitable.

“Every night I go to sleep to the sounds of sirens. Every morning I wake up to people screaming,” Darren Mark Stallcup told Fox News. “My apartment has been broken into three plus times in the last year. I’ve had to fight off burglars with my own two bare hands.”

“I don’t understand Darren’s assessment,” stated Mayor London Breed. “It appears to me that he’s complaining about the music that puts him to sleep. I’m also under the impression that he likes physical altercations, because he’s picking fights with home invaders.”