BREAKING NEWS – St. Paul, Minnesota – The first Republican presidential debate hit the airwaves as eight candidates jockeyed on stage to gain ground and take the red party’s presidential nomination.

“No one is trying to allow abortions right up to birth,” disgraced former Senator Al Franken, D-Minn., tweeted. “Fortunately, I have never been confronted with that decision. Because while I was in office, I never impregnated any of the women that I sexually assaulted.”