BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson announced that his administration is exploring a city-owned grocery store as a means of promoting “equitable” access to food, though the plan has drawn criticism from skeptics of a government owned and operated store.

“Chicago would become the first major U.S. city to implement a municipally owned grocery store to address food inequity if the proposal advances,” the mayor’s office said in a release. “By doing this, when the flash mobs come in and raid the stores daily cleaning them out, the city will immediately restock the shelves, as the clerks at the stores, nervously await the next large group of thieves.”