BREAKING NEWS – Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania – The Pittsburgh Public Schools Board has voted to hire a consulting group that educates teachers on how to replace “White supremacy culture practices” in math instruction with methods that center on the “wellness of students of color.”

The board approved a measure to give Quetzal Education Consulting $50,000 to dismantle racism in math classes.

“We’re not exactly sure which numbers are racist, but we’ll take the money,” stated an anonymous source from Quetzal Education Consulting. “They said they also want us to get rid of every racist letter of the alphabet. We’re hoping both checks clear before it is correctly determined that the people on the Pittsburgh Public Schools Board are legally insane.”