BREAKING NEWS – Bristol, Connecticut – ESPN lays off about 100 employees, including on-air talent. The memo, from ESPN President John Skipper, noted that the network’s downsizing is expected to impact some of their popular on-air personalities. In the memo, Skipper explained his motive. “We simply have an abundance of dumb jocks with rocks in their heads, and it’s time to unload many of these illiterate losers. Fortunately, most of these buffoons won’t understand what happened after I give them the boot, and they’ll probably wander the streets aimlessly for years before it finally filters through their granite skulls.”