BREAKING NEWS – Rio, Brazil – Russian swim coaches were unanimous in their call for Michael Phelps to be banned from the Olympics before the 2016 games began. Phelps, who has now stood on the podium 28 times (23 gold, 3 silver, and two bronze), has been accused by the Russian coaches of “unsportsmanlike excessive medalling”. Igor Kazikov, head of Russian Olympic delegation stated, “What he’s doing is not right. Our dedicated doped-up athletes never had a chance, and his dominance is hurting the sport, not enhancing it.” Kazikov then argued that their rowing teams should not have been banned, even after they were caught attaching to their boats, an outboard motor.