BREAKING NEWS – Assisi, Italy – Pope Francis I is seen angrily pushing a woman away after only a minute of her confession. He defended his actions when questioned later. “This lady was whining to me about some mean thing that she said to her neighbor” explained the Pope. “I told her to leave because I have murderers, political crooks, and corporate embezzlers waiting to make some fascinating confessions worthy of gossip in the halls of the Vatican. And I prefer not to waste my time on petty guilt, when I can make a fortune selling people’s secrets to the National Enquirer.”