Dear Blake,
I’m 8 years old and in the 4th grade. I have been in 5 different schools because I keep on getting expelled. I am always the biggest kid in my class, and have gotten kicked out of the schools for bullying. I like beating up smaller classmates, because it’s fun, and I want to help them be tougher when they get older. My parents told me that if I behave myself, I can later become anything I want when I grow up. I think I want to be an astronaut. What do you think?
Signed, Maurice,
From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
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Dear Maurice,
Many children have difficulty interacting with their peers in their younger years. But you need some drastic behavior modification, as in electroshock therapy. This will temporarily work as a sedative, and it will also give the kids that you roughed up in the past, an opportunity to beat your brains out. I’m against torture, but in your case I would ignore the rules from the Geneva Convention. I was a scrawny little kid that got picked on a lot, so it’s difficult for me not to angry and vomit as I respond to your letter. But there does seem to be some hope for you, because you said you aspired to be an astronaut. If I ran NASA, when you became an adult I’d hire you in a heartbeat! Your first job would be to test the affect of the heat and the noise of the rocket boosters on humans, and I would have you standing directly under them as the spacecraft lifted off the ground. I hope this helps.
Blake