Dear Blake,

I’m a newlywed, and my husband and I have just hit a big roadblock. I hate the town we live in. I always have. The only reason I’m here is because of him, but I have always been very clear about wanting to move.

I lost my job, and the market around here is terrible, which has pushed the idea of us moving to the forefront. I don’t expect us to go anywhere now, but it is becoming crystal clear that this place isn’t going to get me far. My husband is an 8th grade teacher, but between terms he has the option to leave. When we married, it was with the understanding that we would eventually leave, or so I thought. Now he’s talking about how if I want to move, I’ll be going without him because he’s happy here, and he’s happy to stay forever.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but I love myself, too. I will never be happy here. I’ve tolerated it for five years, and I’m miserable. How am I supposed to compromise on an absolute? We can’t both move and not move.

Signed, Gwynne
From Seattle, Washington

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Dear Gwynne,

You’re right, you can’t compromise on an absolute. Your other option is to persuade some of his students to cause him to be run out of town by the school district. Here are some options. Have some female students allege that he looks at them really creepy, and he promises to gives A’s for “long hugs”. Or, you can have some of the students allege that he often goes on loud angry tirades about using a nuclear bomb in every city where an ex dumped him. Or this idea. Tell some students to allege that he wants the school district to offer courses on teaching children the difference between good cocaine and great cocaine, and that he often does lines after taking attendance. And this last idea. Go to the principal of his school and tell him/her that you wanted to get first hand knowledge on why you husband wants to knock their teeth out. But tell them not to worry about, because every time your spouse orders some brass knuckles online, you hide them as soon as Amazon makes the delivery. Your spouse will probably be fired that same hour, and he’ll ne notified while in handcuffs at the local police station. I hope this helps.