Dear Blake,

I’ve been married to a verbally abusive woman for 49 years. To the outside world she seems perfect, but behind closed doors she’s nasty. She overreacts angrily to the tiniest problem and jumps down my throat when I ask her the simplest question. She complains about my poor memory and hearing. I am 75 and in good shape except for a belly, which she often makes fun of. I have recommended couples therapy, but she refuses to go. Please help me.

Signed, William
From Hartford Connecticut

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Dear William,

It sounds to me like your wife is a very unkind women. Because she is around your age, there are plenty of mean-spirited insults you can hurl at her, that I am more than happy to suggest. Here are some options for you to consider. Tell her that you doubt that you will ever be constipated, because anytime you look at her, you’re reminded how much you should have prunes in your diet. Or, tell her your hearing loss is a blessing disguise, because it reduces the volume of her voice, and you’re hoping God will give you an additional blessing, by removing her vocal chords. Or how about this idea. Tell her you don’t know when the time comes if you want to have her cremated or embalmed, but either way, you want it to happen while she’s still alive. And lastly this suggestion. Tell her that you feel in her next life she’ll get married again… assuming Satan isn’t seriously dating anyone at that time. I hope this helps.