Dear Blake,

I have a child who is 11. I have been a single parent all these years. The father has not reached out on any occasion. Through the years, all we’ve heard is cricket noise. Because of that, we built our own lives. Recently, the father has decided he wants his rights known as a father, but he has made no changes to prove he is worthy. His phone calls are still random; there are no visits and no support emotionally or financially. How do I let him know he is interrupting a peaceful life for my beautiful child? I need help telling him to “Hit the road, Jack!”

Signed, Suzy
From Miami, Florida

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Dear Suzy,

Your ex has reappeared and now he wants to play dad again? It appears to me that you want to run him out of your life, and fortunately for you, I’m happy to honor that request. Here are some ideas. Tell him the 11 year old is not his, but the biological father is his former best friend from 11 years ago. Or, tell him because he is so far behind in child support, that you won’t let him see his son unless he promises to give you one pint of his blood per month, and then change that to weekly, and then daily. Or this idea. If he is employed, tell him to deposit his entire check into you account every payday. And to survive, give him the address of every food bank in town, along with every homeless shelter and tent city. And lastly, this idea. Get him in your car and then hit a switch that ejects him from the vehicle like the one in James Bond movies. And while he’s floating upward, play the song “Hit the road, Jack!” And it would even more ironic/funny if he is a devout Ray Charles fan. I hope this helps.