Dear Blake,

I have a real problem with my cousin and her husband. I have two sons, 13 and 14, and both are on the autism spectrum. I home school, so we live on their disability. We also receive food stamps. My cousin and her husband live in the same town and stop by unannounced, but only at dinnertime after we’ve gotten our food stamps.

I told them this has to stop. Our food stamps barely cover us for a month, honestly. They told me I was rude and they keep coming! What else can I do to get them to stop?

Signed, Gary
From Little Rock, Arkansas

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Dear Gary,

Relatives can often be the most selfish people on earth. And sometimes to deal with these, you have to treat them to the degree of scum, that they are. Here are some ideas.  Because you are getting food stamps, tell your two relatives that consuming your food is comparable to stealing from the government, and if they show up at your door again at mealtime, you’ll call the police and accuse them of theft. Or, don’t ever invite them in unless both of them are carrying an armful of groceries, plus a fee (in cash) that they are paying you to prepare the meal. Or this idea. Tell those two freeloaders that because you are homeschooling, you will feed them regularly after they pass a “new” class you are teaching, and they can eat all they want after they finished a course in advanced calculus. And if none of those work, try this. Have your two sons smack your cousin and her husband in the back of their heads with a cast iron skillet every time the show up unannounced. And the great thing is, they won’t be charged with a assault due to their “autism” (wink). I hope this helps.