Dear Blake,

I host an annual party for many longtime friends. Some of them bring their (small) dogs, and that’s OK. My problem is, one friend brings their giant dog. The last time “Brutus” was here, it was seen snatching food off the kitchen counter and the dining table. I love this friend, but I don’t love that dog in my kitchen and dining room.

Normally I would just say, “Please don’t bring Brutus,” but I can’t. My friend is now blind and says Brutus is his Seeing Eye dog. (Brutus doesn’t act like any Seeing Eye dog I’ve ever seen. He’s very undisciplined.) I’m at a loss about what to do or say. Do you have any advice for me?

Signed, Randy
From Cleveland, Ohio

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Dear Randy,

Having pets at a social function can be very trying. But if one the guests is an oversize crumb snatching canine, it raises it to another level. Here are some ideas. Have a weight limitation for all the pets. If you friend complains about it, tell him he’s uninvited because he’s over the limit too. Or, put some lead shoes on the dog which will make it difficult for him to walk. If your friend objects to that, threaten to put him some cement shoes on him right before you toss him into the nearest polluted river. Or this idea. Have one of the small kids get on the back of Brutus, ride him out of town like a horse, and leave him there. And lastly, this idea. Get a shock collar. Not for the dog, but for your friend, who’ll receive an excessive amount of voltage every time his mangy mongrel gets out of line. I hope this helps.