Dear Blake,
I am a pastor and I have been one for years. I also have the same problem that a lot of pastors have, which is, people sleeping during my sermons. What do you think I should do to keep them awake?
Signed Marlin
From Kansas City, Kansas
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Dear Marlin,
Being faithful to your calling is obviously important to you, as you try to deliver a message. But if the heathens in your congregation find it difficult to stay awake, often because of their Saturday night partying and drinking, there is a variety of ways to keep them alert by making an example of someone. If a man falls asleep, while he’s snoozing, have an usher remove his shoes and replace them with some stiletto heels. If a woman is caught taking a nap, have a trained make-up artist attach a full beard to her face using some industrial strength glue. You can also have all of the money removed from their wallets for a church donation, or take their credit cards and use them to pay for a Sunday afternoon meal for the entire congregation at a fancy restaurant. Even though my suggestions will probably land you in jail, on the bright side, it will give you a golden opportunity to start a badly needed prison ministry. I hope this helps.
Blake