Dear Blake,

I am a man who let a woman move into my house 10 years ago. She’s intelligent and said she was going to get a professional job in her former field, but she never tried. She moved all her possessions in, and her stuff is piled high everywhere. She’s a COVID fanatic and insists we live separately — she’s downstairs, and I’m upstairs. We are both fully vaccinated.

She puts food out for me, and I have not even been “allowed” to go downstairs in my own house. She has a bit of a temper. She pays no rent or utilities. She has little money yet refuses to take her Social Security, although she’s eligible, which I find bizarre. I’ve been reluctant to have her evicted. What can I do?

Signed, Kirk
From Syracuse, New York

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Dear Kirk,

It sounds like you have a real problem. There are several ways you can deal with that bitter lazy freeloader, and you should do so without mercy. Here are some ideas. Tell her you are taking her out to dinner, and no to bring any money. Stop near the Social Security Office, and when she gets out, you should speed off. With no money, when she gets hungry enough, she’ll apply for Social Security and probably food stamps too. If she lives in your basement, lock her in as if she’s being hell captive. Once she escapes through a window, secure the window, change the locks on your doors, and toss all of her possessions on the front lawn. You might get her to leave, if you tell her you caught a highly contagious fatal disease, and because you are depressed and lonely, you need a hug from her whether she wants to give one or not. And lastly, this. From everything that she’s done, suggests to me that there are some serious mental health issues going on. Now with her, but with you, for allowing this stupidity to continue this long. I hope this helps.