Dear Blake,

A nephew attended college but didn’t graduate with his class because he fell short of a credit, and some years later completed the course required for receiving his degree online.

Recently, we received a text from his parents stating they are now having a graduation party for him a few days before a family get-together scheduled a couple months ago.

Do we just get a card or is a graduation gift in order? What is proper etiquette in this scenario?

Signed, Derek
From Wilmington, Delaware

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Dear Derek,

It appears to me that your nephew was slacking in his studies. Sending him a card isn’t a bad idea, just make sure you let that loser know how you really feel about his pathetic achievement. Here are some ideas. Send him a card that he can forward to his first employer, informing them that they just hired a total loser. Or send him a card, urging him not to have children, to ensure the discontinuation of his genetic stupidity. Or this idea. Send him a card that he can read to any woman he’s interested in, so they’ll no ahead of time that he’s a lazy procrastinator, that will offer no financial stability, and will spend more time looking for jobs, then actually working. And this last suggestion. Give him a gift card,  but it shouldn’t be from a high end store, because that would suggest you would be condoning his late graduation. You should get him a gift card that reflects his mediocre accomplishment. If only Woolworth’s was still open. I hope this helps.