Dear Blake,

My husband loves cooking for the family. Unfortunately, he’s a horrible cook. My kids hate what he prepares, so most of the food goes in the trash.

I have had many conversations with him about this, begging him not to do it and telling him if he wants to cook, he should make something for himself. His reply is always, “I’m not forcing you guys to eat my food. You are welcome to eat something else.” But when we do that, he sulks and ruins everyone’s day, so we end up giving in. I don’t know how to get through to him about this.

Signed, Glenda
From Milwaukee, Wisconsin

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Dear Glenda,

It’s unfortunate that your husband does not know how pathetic he is as a chef. Your goal should be to make him aware that not even a hungry zombie will voluntarily eat some of his foul slop. Here are some suggestions on how to deal with this issue. Every time he cooks for the family, show them a video beforehand of how to deal with food poisoning, including the best ways to put their fingers down their throat. Or have some of the guests try to convince him that after they ate his food, they grew fangs, claws, and was scared to come outside during a full moon. Or this idea. Tell the guests that his meals has the same ingredients as dog food, and then give the family a can of some canine cuisine, alleging there’s no way it’ll taste worse than what your husband has been serving. And lastly, consider this suggestion. Before anyone takes a bite of the swill he prepared, demand that they write their own obituary. And to enhance the effect, always invite a priest over to bless the food… and give everyone their last rites. I hope this helps.