Dear Blake,

How do you tell your adult children it’s time for them to start planning family events? Neither of my 30-something kids has planned a thing. I thought I raised them better than this, but unless I plan birthdays, holidays, etc., nothing happens. I’m tired of being the social glue. How do I get them to step up?

Signed, Julie
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

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Dear Julie,

There is one way to get your children to step up. All you have to do is continue to plan family events, and make sure it’s one disaster after another. Here are some suggestions. The next time you plan a Memorial Day, give a patriotic speech regarding all of the brave soldiers that died to preserve the freedom of your worthless offspring. For Labor Day, emphasize how lazy your kids are at the family gathering, and they shouldn’t be allowed to show their face in public during this particular holiday… without it getting punched. For Halloween, suggest to your kids to attend the party as bums, in other words “come as you are”. And lastly this idea. For the next adult child’s birthday, use firecrackers that look like candles on the birthday cake. And after one of them attempts to blow out the “candles” followed by multiple explosions, the other kids will either start planning the events, or try to get their birth certificate altered to reflect that you are not their biological mother. I hope this helps.