Dear Blake,
My husband and I have been married for 18 years, so I know his family well. His mother and I have a cordial, but not warm, relationship that’s sometimes a lot of work. She has always been hard to shop for, but the last two times I’ve given her gifts (at Christmas and her last birthday), instead of a thank-you card, she actually returned the gifts with a note saying she’d never use them.
Now I’m not sure what to do. It’s obvious we have different tastes. When I ask her what she’d like, she demurs and says something like, “I’m sure you’ll choose something nice.” If I don’t send her a gift, it’s sure to be taken as a rebuff. What are my other options? (For what it’s worth, my husband has been no help here and considers gifts to be wholly my territory.)
Signed, Franny
From River Forest, Illinois
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Dear Franny,
Your mother-in-law is insensitive and unreasonable. But since your husband believes selecting gifts to be wholly your territory, start giving her outlandish gifts and tell her that they were all approved by your spouse. Here are some suggestions. Give her a gift card to Woolworth’s. Make it for a least $5000, or even more, either way, it won’t matter. Or pay for her to fly to the Amazon in South America. And when she arrives, tell her you won’t pay for her hotel room or return ticket, unless she swims with some electric eels. Or this idea. Get her a membership to a local Satanic cult, and tell her your husband is confident that she’ll be the president of the organization in record time. And this last idea is my favorite. Go to PetSmart or a rescue center and buy your mother-in-law a muzzle, just so you don’t have to hear her talk in your presence. And to ensure that you don’t offend her, buy a pink muzzle because it looks feminine… for female dogs. I hope this helps.
Blake