Dear Blake,
I am a 40-plus-year-old single male. I recently started hanging out with one of my friend “Tom’s” ex-girlfriends. It is now turning into more than friends. “Pam” and I both have feelings for each other. She and Tom dated for five months and broke up eight months ago.
Do I owe it to Tom to ask his permission or tell him I’m seeing her? Pam has asked me to not say anything and to let him find out on his own, which will happen because we have many mutual friends. I want to respect her choice. But also, as Tom’s friend, I feel the right thing to do is tell him. Please advise. I’m stuck between her wishes and doing what I think is right.
Signed, Allen
From Lake Tahoe, Nevada
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Dear Allen,
It sounds to me like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. No doubt whatever you decide, one of them won’t we able to stand the sight of you. Anyway, here’s my perspective. There are some possible advantages of informing Tom. Because if you do, maybe he can give you some real dirt on Pam that will make you end the relationship and never want to be seen with the likes of that woman ever again. Or, if you don’t like Tom, use this to rub his nose in it, emphasizing that she left him for a better man. Or maybe this suggestion. Tell Tom that you are hanging out with her, because she needs a shoulder to cry on, due to the fact of how much she misses him. Lastly, this is what I really think is probably going on. Pam may want him to find out on his own to increase the shock to his system, so he’ll come running back to her. And she’s playing you to get Tom jealous, so be ready to accept the possibility that you are nothing more than a gullible pawn. I hope this helps… sucker!
Blake