Dear Blake,

My husband and I have been married 46 years. During the last five, he has procrastinated about doing our income taxes to the point that we have been charged penalties. He keeps saying he’ll work on it, but everything else is a bigger priority.

I gathered all the necessary documents and printed out a tax worksheet. My husband has his own small business, which complicates things. I hate this hanging over my head. I told him I won’t go on our planned camping trip if this isn’t done beforehand, and I intend to follow through. I can’t get him to give me a straight answer for why he keeps doing this. It’s ruining our otherwise great marriage.

Signed, Sheila
From Fort Worth, Texas

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Dear Sheila,

Being a serial procrastinator is bad enough. But procrastinating with the IRS can be financial suicide along with other degrees of stupidity. Anyway, here are some of my suggestions. Find someway to shut down his small business, which will make the annual tax filings simpler… and quicker. Or, refrain from all intimacy until he files the documents. If that doesn’t work, give him a lot more intimacy than he can handle, until he’s at the point that every time you walk into the bedroom wearing something sexy, he’ll use the excuse that he has to fill out the forms, rather than being brutally depleted of every ounce of energy that he has. Or this idea. The next time you are charged a penalty for being late, take it out of the grocery bill, specifically food for him. Or this last idea. Tell him you’re doing the taxes. File yours, but don’t file his, and anonymously contact the IRS alleging that he’s trying to defraud the federal government. But make sure your allegations are so complicated, that they need for him to sit behind bars for months until the IRS figure things out. And hopefully you’ll get a refund you can use to celebrate your temporary freedom. Also check and see if there’s a reward for turning in tax dodgers, like that lazy future inmate you’re married to. I hope this helps.