Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

It’s the holiday season, but I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am a wife and a mother and I am so frustrated with my family. I have a 25 year old son, that does nothing but drink beer and play video games in our basement. My 17 year old daughter is a senior in high school that has less than half of the credits she needs to graduate. She also has a lot of shady friends that regular pay for her once a week tattoo and/or body piercings. My husband hasn’t worked in over 3 years after getting laid off, and he refuses to work for minimum wages because he says it’s beneath him. I am the sole breadwinner in the house and I still want to get them something for Christmas. What do you suggest?

Signed, Arlene
From Milwaukee, Wisconsin

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Dear Arlene,

Getting the “holiday season blues” is quite common in America. Unfortunately in your case, the negative emotions are intensified because you’re living with some unproductive contemptible people. For your son, what you should do is to seal off every exit in the basement on Christmas Eve while he’s sleeping, making it airtight. And then cut the power down there, and flood it with a garden hose. When he wakes up to waste level water that’s quickly rising, text him and make him promise to get a job within 30 days. If he makes the promise, toss him his gift which will be a life preserver. If he does not, videotape the entire episode as he screams like a stuck pig begging for help, that you threaten to post on youtube, and you still have the option of turning the power back on and electrocuting him. For your daughter, there’s a ray of hope. If she’s getting tattoos and body piercings as often as you described, get her a Guinness Book of World Records. Explain to her that there is way to acquire fame and fortune based on her level of stupidity, as circuses are always looking for additions to their freak shows. For your husband, I would give him a tin cup, a piece of cardboard, and a marker. He can use the tin cup to hold the coins that people place in it as they walk by him, and use the marker to make a sign informing the public that he’s hungry and homeless. Obviously, this will be done after you have him served with a summons, informing his lazy butt that you have begun divorce proceedings. I hope this helps.