Dear Blake,
I live on the east coast, my family lives on the west coast, and I don’t go back there that often. But over the past few years, they would show up at my front door unexpected, unannounced and will stay for weeks. It drives me and my wife crazy! We both want to say something, but we don’t want to hurt their feelings. What do you think we should do?
Signed, Hank
From Ellsworth, Maine
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Dear Hank,
Vacationing relatives can create wonderful, memorable experiences. But in your case, those losers have crossed a line. Telling those inconsiderate morons how you feel may not have the desired effect, so I’m suggesting that you do something more drastic. You can tell them that you moved across town, and your new mailing address will be a P.O. Box you rented until you get all settled in. Hopefully they aren’t dumb enough to make the trip, and wait outside the Post Office for you to eventually show up to retrieve your mail. But if they call you from there, tell them you’re about hundred miles out in the Atlantic Ocean doing some deep sea fishing, and to enhance the illusion, have your wife practice making the sound of seagulls. However, if you don’t want to do all that, and you feel it’s just a matter of time before those pathetic specimens show up again, try this: Do whatever it takes to acquire some black market land mines, and place them in your front yard where only you and you wife know their location. After a couple of them get blown up, the survivors will warn your other relatives that “pop visits” to your place may be fatal, or at minimum, the loss of body parts. I hope this helps.
Blake