Dear Blake,
I am 10 years old. My family lives pretty well because my dad is a real estate developer and makes a lot of money. I have been in and out of therapy over the past couple of years, because I am always getting in trouble for either beating up someone at school or one of the kids on my block. I have been labeled a bully and I’m proud to be one. I am toughening up boys for their own good. We’re moving to Chicago in a month or so, and I can’t wait to get there to put some of the boys in their place. What do you think about that?
Signed, Chucky
From Augusta, Maine
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Dear Chucky,
You’re in luck because I’m from Chicago so I am the perfect person to ask. My guess is, with your attitude, you’ll be dead within one semester of going to school. Because your dad is a real estate developer, I would encourage him to buy some land in the Windy City specifically for you… it’s called a cemetery plot. You may have gotten away with that brutal behavior in Augusta, but violence is so rampant in Chicago grammar schools, that many of them have ice cold rooms where coroners regularly come in to do autopsies on students. After your type of personality is established, it will be just a matter of time before your classmates will vote on your method of execution. So one of these days when your teacher steps out of the room temporarily, they’ll return to see your lifeless body in the middle of the floor. And even though everyone in the class will say they didn’t see a thing, before the day is out, they’ll be at least 20 videos posted on youtube of you being murdered, taken from 20 different camera phones of a laughing audience (possibly including the teacher). I hope this helps.
Blake