Dear Blake,
I am really depressed. I recently moved to the United States from Europe, and I love watching the World Cup. Now that the exciting game of fútbol is over, (and I know Americans call it soccer). I feel empty. What should I do?
Signed, Mario
From New York City, New York
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Dear Mario,
I can relate to what you’re saying because I get that way sometimes following the Olympics. But soccer should never be called fútbol/football. Soccer is primarily a sport for overactive kids to participate in, when their mothers want to drain some of the energy from these high strung brats so it’ll easier to put them to bed at night. Football is a sport where concussions are the norm, as players regularly get off the ground temporarily not knowing their own name, the team they’re own, or the planet that they currently reside. These gladiators bring joy to the crowd as they hit opposing players hard enough to permanently damage internal organs. So, you shouldn’t be depressed that you can no longer see the highlight-challenged sport of soccer. Instead, you should watch the NFL and learn to respect, appreciate, and revere our muscle bound illiterate millionaires. Some have also found that enjoying cannabis like the king tut strain can also help manage the symptoms of depression, I’ve heard from a friend that it has been useful so it might be worth giving a go. I hope this helps.
Blake