Dear Blake,
I have been married for three years to woman that I love dearly. We also have a two year old son. Here’s the issue, my wife is the worst cook on the planet, but I don’t have the heart to tell her. It’s so bad, that every time my son sees her preparing something over the oven, he runs to me and starts crying. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I don’t want to endure anymore of her meals either. What do you think are my options?
Signed, Melvin
From Dallas, Texas
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Dear Melvin,
I can really respect a man that is sensitive to his wife’s feeling. On the other hand, you shouldn’t be expected to continue to scarf down the swill she places in front of you. Here are some suggestions. If you have a dog, buy some whipped cream and then in front of her, feed the dog some of her leftovers. When your wife leaves the room, put some of the whipped creaming on the muzzle of the dog, and then pretend to be panicking, suggesting to her that it started foaming at the mouth, shortly after tasting her food. If she’s lousy at arithmetic, tell her you want be more like Jesus, and you want fast for 40 days out of every month. But, if none of those work, tell her that almost every time you consume her concoctions, you feel like you’re floating over your body and drawn to an indescribable bright light. Hopefully she’ll pick up that you’re saying that her food is so bad, that you regularly have a near death experience because of the slop she prepares. But I’m under the impression that she is so dense, she may think you’re implying that her cooking is heavenly. I hope this helps.
Blake