Dear Blake,
I am getting married in the near future which will be the most important moment in my life. I also have a major problem. My ex-girlfriend has threatened to ruin the wedding by crashing it. I dated her for years and I have no doubt she will do something crazy, but I also know that after I’m legally married, she’ll accept it and move on. I just need to know how get it done with incident. Can you give me some options?
Signed, Ben
From Lansing, Michigan
* * * * * * * *
Dear Ben,
Congrats on your upcoming nuptials. Unfortunately, you like many other man have gotten involved with an irrational psycho. So here’s some ideas. You can try to get her arrested on the day you’re getting married by anonymously calling the cops, after planting some crystal-meth in her car, along with a list of grammar school students that she considers potential customers. If you’re mechanically inclined, disable her car an hour before the wedding so she can’t get there on time, or fly someone in from the Mafia in New York to “fix her car”. With their help, after she starts it, the engine will no longer be functional, and neither will her vital organs. But if you want the simplest way to pull off your wedding without a hitch, tell you ex that you still love her, and you plan on stopping by her place as soon as you refuse to say “I do” at the altar. Call her about four hours later from your honeymoon suite with your new bride giggling in the background and tell her she has been duped. The downside to this plan is that scorned women have long memories and are very vengeful. So I would suggest that you move as far away from her as possible, as she devises a plan to find you. Considering the probable level of her rage, you should contact NASA immediately and get on the list to be one of the first families to get colonized on Mars, and even after getting there, you should still have some security cameras around you home. I hope this helps.
Blake