Dear Blake,
As usual. this past October 31st, I stayed at home. I am a 20 year old woman, I live with my parents, and I have always had a very sheltered life. I was home-schooled, I have no friends, and I’m not very social. I know it’s embarrassing, but often, I don’t know fact from fiction. Could you tell me some of the differences between traditions and reality regarding Halloween, because I honestly don’t know?
Signed, Gwen
From Melrose Park, Illinois
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Dear Gwen,
If you have not been exposed to society to make certain distinctions, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Ok, here is some info. There is no such thing as a witch that flies around on a broom, according to divorced men that have given their ex-wives that title. Scarecrows are not alive, and are only seen in cornfields. The closest thing to it in human form, are anorexic NYC runway models. A headless horseman is just a fictional character in the story “Sleepy Hollow”. The only thing I’ve heard of similar to it in real life, would be a cowboy in the Middle East that unfortunately told members of ISIS that he disagreed with them on some political issues. However, I need to warn you that you should personally be concerned about goblins. I have been informed by my staff that these mischievous grotesque dwarf-like creatures read my column every weekend, and they often terrorize people late at night, that have written to me asking idiotic questions. I am fairly certain you met their criteria, and if you didn’t, you should have. I hope this helps.
Blake