Dear Blake,
I am the CEO of a major department store that everyone in this country has heard of. As the holiday season approaches and business spikes, we have to deal with the same ongoing problem of shoplifters. The annual losses in revenue is astronomical and this year I would like to take a tough stand. I have heard that you are a problem solver, so I am open to your ideas.
Signed, G
From New York City, New York
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Dear G,
Congratulations on your success in the corporate world. And I am more than happy to help put the fear of God into would be thieves that slink into one of your stores. The best way to do this is to make an example of a low level crook, that puts the rest of them on notice. Tasers usually have around 50,000 volts. If you can get some modified to have 50,000,000, that would be perfect! Once someone is zapped with that much voltage, their inner organs will instantly become overcooked as if they were in a microwave oven, and the suspect will be well done before they hit the ground. Chase one of those roguish culprits to a location where there are no witness, and then deal with him or her with a bullwhip. (Seriously consider hiring security from Texas or Wyoming since everyone from those states are handy with these weapons). But the most creative idea I have is to get some polar bears from Canada, and keep in mind, these animals have a keen sense of smell. Put them at the exit of every door, and if they can’t sniff out a receipt when someone is leaving, train them to immediately attack. I assure, once enough people see those body parts scattered near the front door as Christmas songs are being played, criminals will undoubtedly try their craft elsewhere. I hope this helps.
Blake
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