Dear Blake,
I am in a dilemma and I hope you can help. I now live in Phoenix, but I grew up in Chicago. Next week is my high school reunion, and in between Thanksgiving and now, I gained 70 pounds. I was hoping I could look like I did when I graduated 20 years ago, but there’s nothing I can do… unless you come up with a plan. I was told that you can be very created when it comes to solving problems.
Signed, Sally
From Phoenix, Arizona
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Dear Sally,
Meeting with your old high school classmates is obviously important to you, and desperate times call for desperate measures. If you know someone in the sheet metal industry, maybe they can make you a spanx made out of steel to hide your pork. Just be mindful of the obvious dangers when you have it welded on, and having someone use a blow torch to remove it. Another option is, you can go for the most weight you can lose in the next week, by eating Styrofoam until you’re almost full. Just leave only enough room for a couple of spoons full of whatever you like. Since it’s not bio-degradable, it will sit in your stomach indefinitely, and you can have it surgically extracted when you come back to Arizona. But this is the one I recommend. Pack your bags immediately and have a friend of yours drive to Chicago, as you walked alongside the vehicle for 1754 miles. By the time you get there, all of the extra flab should be gone, along with the cartilage in your knees. But if you still have some extra pounds on you at that point, as soon as you hit the outskirts of the Windy City, you’ll lose those from dodging the high concentration of drivers that have road rage, and/or ducking stray bullets from daily disputes between rival gangs. “If” you survive, I hope you enjoy the reunion. I hope this helps.
Blake