Dear Blake,
In the fall I start my senior year in high school and so does my boyfriend. My grades aren’t that great and my parents don’t have much money, so after I graduate, I will be going to either a community college in the area or getting a job. My boyfriend on the other hand, has excellent grades. He is the star quarterback of my high school football team and has been offered scholarships from countless colleges. More than likely he’ll be moving out of state, and no matter how much he tells me that he loves me, I know I’ll soon be forgotten, because girls are constantly hitting on him. I don’t want to lose him, so what do you think I should do?
Signed, T
From Miami, Florida
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Dear T,
Your issue is quite common among girlfriends of sought after gifted high school athletes. The only thing I can suggest is, to ruin his career, so no college wants him. Respond to their offers signing his name on letters that will make them reconsider giving him a scholarship. For instance, tell them that he wants his own room in the dorm, or if he has to share with someone, he desires a roommate that will not disturb his crystal-meth lab. Inform them that he is currently a transgender, and has not decided if he wants to be a superstar NFL quarterback or a nun. But this one will probably be the most effective. Tell the schools that he worships the devil, and he would like a list of the neighborhood churches of Satan, plus he wants in writing, the campus policy on human sacrifices. To drive this point home, let them know that the ACLU has already told him that it would be unconstitutional to deprive him of this highly valued religious freedom. I hope this helps.
Blake