Dear Blake,
My beloved in-laws frequently dine at our home. We love having them join us for family meals. Only one small problem prevails: They love to use their fingers to pick apart cakes and other shared desserts. I have tried offering to cut them a slice when they start stripping off the topping or edges of one of my homemade desserts at the table. They usually reply, “Oh no, thank you — I’m fine just picking.” I don’t want to offend them or hurt their feelings, but watching the dessert get decimated really grosses me out and often destroys the most coveted parts of the treats. Please help!
Signed, Sofia
From Los Angeles, California
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Dear Sofia,
I understand how their table manners can make you very uncomfortable. The only thing I can suggest to you, is to show them how barbaric they are, without saying it outright. Considering their eating habits, tell them they can no longer enter your home unless they are dressed like either 7th century Vikings or cavemen. Stop cooking meat altogether, and to start feeding each of them by extending a stick in their faces with a chuck of raw flesh on the end. If you want to cook, after everything is done, pour it all into a trough, and give them a bucket of water they can share to wash it down. But if all of that is too much work, here is a simpler way to make your point. Bribe someone from your local pest control to stop by while your in-laws are scarfing down a meal. After their eating habits are observed, all of those savages will probably be removed from your home. And I assure you, the next time those ogres come by your place, they will show some etiquette at the dinner table, after being held in an animal shelter for a few days. I hope this helps.
Blake