Ask Blake Picture111

Dear Blake,

I am eight years old and there is a boy in my classroom that I really like. When it’s recess or lunchtime, I always try to be near him. Sometimes, I’m sad on weekends because I miss him a lot. Do you think he will marry me if I ask him?

Signed, Charlotte
From Spokane, Washington

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Dear Charlotte,

When your parents have the time, have them explain the definition of “puppy love”. And then tell them to give you the dvd of “Fatal Attraction”, just so you can have a general idea on how disturbed you probably are. You are showing all the signs of a deadly stalker, and at your age, you’ll probably even give an FBI profiler, goosebumps. I am very concerned regarding the safety of the object of your affection, because I think if he rejects your proposal, he’ll mysteriously disappear, along with a couple of large drawstring  trash bags from your home. Hopefully, he’ll like you too, so you won’t indirectly blame your classmates for his lack of interest in you. But to be on the safe side, would you please do a follow-up letter with me, that includes the name and number of your teacher? Because just in case you feel scorned, I think it would be a good idea for your principal to go over all of their procedures regarding a school lockdown. I hope this helps.