Dear Blake,
After 10 years of marriage and two young children, my wife and I are calling it quits. We both are co-owners of a very successful company, and we both make in the mid six figures. My question is, how do we avoid expensive legal fees in a divorce? We don’t hate each other, and we are business minded enough to know that we can be drained financially over a lengthy court battle.
Signed, K and J
From San Antonio, Texas
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Dear K and J,
Sorry to hear about the upcoming termination of your marriage. But I admire the fact that you two are discerning enough to know that the real enemy in this situation are greedy divorce lawyers that salivate at the sight of bitter couples. If you two cannot agree on who gets your house and the furnishings, the fairest thing to do is to burn it down, and then split the check evenly from the insurance company. You should be able to find an arsonist who was extremely busy during the housing crash, that will do it for a reasonable fee. The children should not be placed in a position to decide on which parent they want to live with, so the best thing to do is to put them up for adoption. This might be emotionally traumatic for both of you, but if you think how they will probably act when they become teenagers, you’ll eventually applaud my suggestion. However, my best idea is to deal with disagreements like they did in the 1800’s, through a duel with pistols at 10 paces, and make sure both lawyers are there. When you turn around fire, aim at your “new” targets. And as both attorneys lay on the ground breathing their last, tell them you two changed your mind, and are now planning on seeking a marriage counselor. (Hopefully, Satan will give a warm welcome to his newest citizens). I hope this helps.
Blake