Dear Blake,
I am involved with a woman that I know will be devastated if I ended the relationship. I still care about her, but I want her out of my life. My biggest concern is that she will go in an emotional tailspin, and I really don’t want to see that. I feel I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Is there anything I can do?
Signed, Troy
From Jefferson City, Missouri
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Dear Troy,
Your struggle happens to many people, and they often also can’t see any options even though there is one. You have to figure out a way to end the relationship with that emotionally unstable bimbo, and make it appear to be her idea. If she has a favorite sports team, start wearing the jersey of their most hated rival, and refer to fans of her team as pathetic losers. Tell her you went to the doctor and found out you have a rare disease that makes you allergic to soap, deodorant, and toothpaste. Within a couple of weeks she’ll give you the boot, unless she’s comfortable wearing a gas mask in your presence. Regularly tell her how surprised you are at how attractive she is, because you think her parents and siblings are so freakin’ ugly. Have a print shop make a picture of you on a “wanted” poster for your involvement with a Middle Eastern terrorist group, and have it anonymously mailed to her. But this is my favorite idea. Buy some books about cannibalism, and let her see you reading them frequently. And then the next time she wants you to kiss her, ask her if you could put some seasoning on her lips. Usain Bolt holds the world record for 100 meter dash. My guess is, she’ll shatter that record running away from you, with plenty of time to spare. I hope this helps.
Blake