Dear Blake,
I am 40 years old, I live in Canada, I have never been to the United States and neither has my husband or children. However we have decided to move there, even though we know very little about the different cities and states. Could you give us some info so we can make an informed decision?
Signed, Jessica
From Toronto, Canada
* * * * * * * *
Dear Jessica,
I’ll be glad to help you regarding this big decision. The first thing you should do if you come here is to avoid perpetually using the word “eh”. Most Americans think Canadians are stupid, so you should avoid giving any confirmations. If you want to move to New York City, keep in mind that all of their politicians are crooks, and you have to learn to differentiate between the corrupt ones and the extremely corrupt ones. If you’re thinking about relocating to Chicago and you have teenagers, you need to know that 60% of the students that graduate from their high schools cannot read, and neither can 25% of the teachers. In New Orleans, the emergency rooms at their hospitals are almost always full of people in excruciating pain, brought on by someone sticking pins in voodoo dolls made to their likeness. In Los Angeles, the streets and sidewalks are littered with dead tourists and first time visitors, who breathed the outside air during a smog alert. In San Francisco, 70% of the population is gay, and the other 30% is bisexual. But if you want to get off of this continent and you like tropical weather, then I suggest Hawaii. The best thing about that isolated state is the way they deal with troublemakers and criminals. They put them on a boat and go out a couple of miles, and drop them into the ocean. This common practice would also explain why offshore Hawaii is the only place on earth, where they have countless obese sharks. Yep, America the beautiful. I hope this helps.
Blake