Dear Blake,

I have a wife and four kids that mean the world. But every year they create the same problem that enrages me, and it happens during the holiday season. I am the sole breadwinner, I have a very good job, and I love showering them all with gifts for Christmas. But here is the problem, rather than being surprised on Christmas Day with what I bought them, they unwrap them it least a week ahead of time because they are so freakin’ nosy, and then they rewrap them. They think I don’t know that they pull this crap, and they often wonder why I am moody when they open their gifts and “pretend” to be surprised. What do you think I should do?

Signed, Burt

From Des Moines, Iowa

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Dear Burt,

Much of the joy from opening gifts is not being sure what’s in them, so I understand. But I don’t think your love for your family should be a limiting factor of what you are willing to do to teach these insensitive boneheads a lesson. For starters, don’t buy anyone anything next Christmas, and ask them if they can guess what you would’ve gotten them “if” they weren’t so collectively stupid. Test them by putting one gift under the tree for each of them, and in each box place a poisonous snake. If any of them opens their gift, they won’t have time to rewrap it, but will have to get to the hospital after being bitten, before their vital organs start shutting down. But the best lesson to test them is, to pack a large box for each of them with some C-4 plastic explosives that has a one minute timer. This should give them and their inquisitive nature, enough to run for their lives. Afterwards, when the gift is destroyed, along with the Christmas tree, your home, and most of the houses on the block where you reside, the devastation will remind them of their idiotic destructive curiosity. But on a positive note, they can make new friends while they live in a homeless shelter, as they await your trial in a local federal court for terrorism. I hope this helps.