Dear Blake,

You may find this incredible but I have telekinesis (the ability to move objects with my mind). I am 17 years old and I have  had this power all of my life. As a child during dinner, I never asked anyone to pass me the salt, or anything else on the table. If I wanted it, it would float toward me. In the past I have levitated people, cars, and even entire houses. Only my immediate family knows I have this ability. But I have now decided to use my gift in a way that would benefit society, and I was hoping you could give me some suggestions on how to use it.

Signed, T

From Chicago, Illinois

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Dear T,

This is the first letter I ever received from someone who claimed to have supernatural powers. I’m hoping you’re not writing this from a mental institution, or a bar after you downed a fifth of whiskey. If you’re sincere, here’s some ideas. Every time a person drives down the street with their radio blasting while their windows are rolled down, levitate that vehicle to the middle of Lake Michigan, and dump it there. Any Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses that come knocking on your door should be placed on top of the roof of your home, as you go get a water hose. All violent gang members in the Windy City should be floated into the air, and used as targets for skilled archers. Under the assumption that you’re about to graduate from high school, I hope you get along with your classmates well. If you don’t, I would discourage you from getting ideas from the movie “Carrie”, specifically the senior prom scene. But the best suggestion I could give you, is something that benefits this entire nation. The next time Congress is in session, go to Washington, D.C., levitate the Capital Building into the air about a thousand feet, and then let it fall. I would also advise you to ignore the screams and the pleas for mercy from the occupants as it rises, because that is nothing more than a manipulative tactic frequently used by common criminals. I hope this helps.