Dear Blake,

I am a 22 years old man and I have always been extremely shy. I have never even been to a social media website, but yesterday, I finally became a member of Facebook. I was blown away with how many hundreds of millions of people that have joined it. I have only been on a few dates in my life with women, and I admit I am very boring geek. So here’s my question. There are countless beautiful women on Facebook and I see a “like” button that is used a lot. If a woman “likes” something that I’ve written, exactly what does that mean?

Signed, Howard

From Overton, Nevada

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Dear Howard,

I am glad to see you get out of your shell. Here is the basic code language that you need to understand, and I would strongly urge you to avoid anyone that disagrees with me on this issue. Ok, here ya go.

  1. If she “likes” a comment that you post, all that means is she finds the comment interesting.
  1. If she “likes” two of your comments, she is probably a little attracted to you.

3 If there is a third “like”, she is visiting your page checking your relationship status.

  1. The fourth “like” means she wants to have your children, and the sooner, the better.
  1. The fifth “like” indicates she wants to have your children, even if you’re married.
  1. The sixth “like” means she’s a stalker and will probably kill you if you reject her advances.
  1. And after the seventh “like”, block her, seek a restraining order, legally change your name and identity, and keep a loaded gun with you at all times.

And there is one other thing you might need to know. Whenever you see a blue “thumbs up” on Facebook, these are hitchhikers that are indirectly requesting for someone to give them a ride somewhere. A recent study shows that 94% of all Facebook members are unemployed and don’t own a car. And the “thumbs up” usually means they want to be transported to another part of town, so they can do nothing all day with some of their similarly worthless friends. I hope this helps.

Blake