Dear Blake,
I am a senior partner at a large law firm that is very successful. About a year ago I met the woman of my dreams who just happened to be a clerk at a law library. We’re both 50 and I have never been happier in my life. We’re getting married in two months, but here’s the problem. She has three sons from a previous marriage that are 25, 27, and 29, and they all live with her. None of them work and don’t appear to have the desire to seek employment. I recently had them over for a barbecue, and I live in a mansion. I overheard them discussing some of their “fun plans” after they move in here once I marry their mother. I don’t want them anywhere near my home! I haven’t had this discussion with her yet, and I’m not sure what to say, of if should do anything. Ya got any suggestions?
Signed, John
From Boston, Massachusetts
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Dear John,
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I know it’s true that you can’t pick your relatives, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pick “at” them. You have several options. Tell her sons that they can live in your home while handing them a lease, and they have to pay $7500 a month in rent, a $10,000 security deposit, plus no cable or internet access. Explain to them that there are no overnight guests under any conditions, and any visitors before entering your home must submit themselves to an extensive background check, including fingerprinting and DNA tests. Convince them that it is a family tradition to live in a small camper designed for two people for the first ten years of your marriage, before moving into an actual house. But being a lawyer, this plan might be the most suitable for you. Inform all three of her sons about a contract that you drew up, in which whatever one of them reaches 30 first, will immediately inherit half of your fortune, while the other two will receive nothing. Their freeloading mindset suggests to me that the youngest son will get their first, and will probably be rotting in prison for two counts of murder. I hope this helps.
Blake