Dear Blake,

My daughter who is very book smart decided to attend college instead of getting into the work force after graduating high school. I agreed to support her during her time in college. Now she has two masters degrees (in computers).  I had to retire during her last year of college (tired!) and was confident she would begin working soon after graduation. It hasn’t happened. She works for $200/month for an online newspaper and does absolutely nothing else, NOTHING!!! She does not contribute a penny to the household expenses. Meanwhile, I see my modest retirement dwindling. I don’t want to have to lose my temper, but I want this 33-year-old millstone off my neck. Any suggestions?

Signed, Gloria

From Lansing, Michigan

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Dear Gloria,

It’s obvious that your desire for peace is conflicting with your maternal instincts. It’s also obvious that for the sake of your sanity, you have to rid your home of that well educated loser. Here are some ideas on how to deal with that overachieving freeloader . Try getting her married off. Find a smooth talking man that will sweep her off of her feet by telling her anything she wants to hear, because he desperately wants a woman. Recently released former inmates should meet these qualifications, and don’t be concerned with the viciousness of the crime they committed that sent them to prison in the first place. Use some of your savings to send her on a vacation to Australia. After she arrives, pay someone there to steal her passport, and then send a bogus letter to the country’s government from Homeland Security, stating that she should be on the “no-fly list”. You should also contact an aggressive lawyer that will sue the school she graduated from, alleging that they are responsible for creating your idiot offspring. However, she is still your daughter, and even though she doesn’t contribute anything to the household, she still has to eat. So, I think the compassionate thing to do, is to allow her to continue getting free meals, but first watch some MMA fights so you can learn how to pin her to the ground and render her helpless. And when she gets hungry while she’s is tight in your grip, ball up all of her diplomas, and force feed them to her. I hope this helps.