Dear Blake,
If my boyfriend is tired and has had a few drinks, he’ll urinate in the middle of the night. He sleepwalks to my kitchen, front door, or closet and does his business. This is not the first, second, or even ninth time he’s done it. If I try to wake him up, it’s like I’m talking to a zombie—he’s completely incoherent and impossible to deal with. When I tell him the next morning what he’s done, he’s always extremely apologetic and swears he has no recollection of it. But tonight it happened again! He needs to stop, but I don’t even know where to begin. Please help… quick!!!
Signed, Beverly
From San Diego, California
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Dear Beverly,
Sleepwalking is a sleep disorder that countless people have to endure. Unfortunately, your boyfriend has complicated the problem by also being a staggering bladder-filled lush. This issue should be dealt with aggressively. If he appears to be a zombie, hitting him in the head with something seems to work on TV and in the movies. I am not advocating killing him, I’m referring to a common run-of-the-mill skull fracture. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, tie his feet together when he falls asleep. When he tries to walk while in a daze, the ground will meet him in a hurry. After enough concussions, the drinking will stop… and so will many basic functions in his brain. You should also consider taking advantage of his condition. In his euphoric state, you can interrogate him and get answers to a lot of questions that he would not normally answer. Like, if he had to save either you or his ex-girlfriend from a burning building, which one would it be? Or would he prefer to see both of you roast? But probably the best way to stop him from sleepwalking and soaking your floors, is by putting some Depends on him after he gets drunk. Plug an extension cord into the wall, and then put the other end in his Depends, and then duct tape it shut to prevent any leaks. After a couple of episodes of his groin getting a few hundred volts of electricity, he’ll get the message. Don’t worry, if you get married you’ll still be able to have children… but there’s no way he’ll be the biological father. I hope this helps.
Blake