Dear Blake,

I want to return to my home town to be in my adult children’s lives and live in an affordable place. What prevents me is a violent ex who has a vendetta. My options are stay where I am, 7 hours away, or move back. My children and I are very close and we are all suffering grief over being separated and this has impaired my decision making process. The ex is a diagnosed psychopath. I have no idea what do. Any suggestions?

Signed, Vonetta

From Bangor, Maine

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Dear Vonetta,

You are in a very difficult position choosing between your happiness and safety. In this case you have to fight fire with fire, even if it includes literally burning his house down. I’m not sure what you have in your bank account, but if you’re willing to drive to NYC, there are plenty of hit men in the Mafia that are looking for some part time work for some quick cash. Your hometown is Bangor, Maine. That’s where horror writer Stephen King lives, so maybe you should try to creep your ex out! You said he was a psychopath. Do you know what scares crazy people? Crazier people! Knock on his front door late at night carrying an ax dripping with fake blood. When he opens it, be licking your chops while wearing a demonic expression and then wind up as if you’re about to swing it at his neck. He’ll either close the door completely terrified, or have a heart attack on the spot. If he closes the door while his hair is standing on end, he won’t be able to sleep that night or any other night, and he’ll more than likely want to move out of town. But, if he has a heart attack and collapses, do the humane thing and call 911 to request an ambulance… after you made the 7 hour drive home. I hope this helps.

Blake