Dear Blake,
I am 8 years old. I did something really bad, and got caught. I forgot to bring some pencils to school, and when I thought the teacher wasn’t looking, I took one from her desk. She turned around and caught me. She gave me a funny look, and handed it to me anyway. She didn’t say anything about it the rest of the day. Am I in a lot of trouble? I’ve never done anything like this before.
Signed, Franklin
From Nashville, Tennessee
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Dear Franklin,
I can understand your feelings of guilt regarding what you did. Unfortunately, you are in a lot of trouble, because taking pencils without permission is a federal crime, and you will be sent to prison before the month is out. Your roguish actions will have a major rippling affect. The teacher will either have to remove all of her valuables from her purse when you’re in class, or the school will be compelled to have a cop frisk you every time you leave the school. You will probably be homeless soon after your parents kick you out, because they can’t emotionally deal with shame you have brought to your family. If they foolishly let you stay, thanks to you, the neighbors on your block will end up spending a small fortune installing security cameras in their houses, aiming them at everything that’s not nailed down. However, I can rebuild your reputation… for a fee. You can get the funds by saving your allowance and selling all of your toys. When you get to $1000, send it to me and I will personally salvage your seedy reputation. Honesty is an important element for society to remain civil. Here’s your first lesson: Don’t trust anyone! (Especially me). I hope this helps.
Blake